I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
