I'm so fucking centered right now
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
