this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize