He disabled his match.com account in front of me
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
