i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
