I just threw up on my dentist
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
