No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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