remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
