There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
