I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
