I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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