i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize