You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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