my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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