I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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