eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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