We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
