literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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