Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
