im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
