he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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