grandma shit on top of the toilet
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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