Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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