He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
