my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
