Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
