seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It's never too late to be topless.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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