Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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