When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
