i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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