I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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