i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
