Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
