I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
