I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
