Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
