You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
