I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
