She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You made out with two different species that night
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
