The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
