i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
