alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
