I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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