My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
