Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
