my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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