I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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