grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Houston, we have a blender
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
