I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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