He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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