cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
