I just saw a hot homeless man
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
