this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
