Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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