and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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