I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
