Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize